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The Need for Honesty with your Partner
If you are married and you are transgendered, your spouse should know.
Although you may be embarrassed to admit it and scared about what her reaction will be, 99.99% of the time, things will be better
off in the long run if you tell her. If you think that you can keep it from her for any length of time, you are wrong. No matter how
clever you think you are about hiding it, it is extremely likely that eventually you will be discovered. She may find a pair of your panties or
jewelry and assume that you are having an affair. She may discover bookmarks to websites with transsexuals and mistakenly assume that you
have "gone gay." She will be upset, worried, and probably confused.
If they do realize that you are transgendered rather than having an affair, they probably wouldn't feel much more comforted. She will have lots
of doubts and questions. "Why does he feel the need to crossdress? I must have somehow failed him…" "Does my husband want to become a woman?"
"Am I going to become a lesbian?" "Will he lose his job if this becomes public?" "What about our children?" "Can I trust him to be honest with me?"
If you are not there when she finds out, she will have no one to provide the answers to these important questions.
The situation will be far worse if you are not there to help her understand things. Without your guidance, she may begin to rage at you. She may
begin to withdraw from the relationship. She may be disgusted at what she thinks being transgendered is about. She will probably turn to someone
for support and advice, which may result in your secret being revealed to friends and family. The situation can very easily go out of control.
Things will go better if she has answers and if those answers come from you. Your wife must know that your need to crossdress is in no way their
fault. They need to know that your crossdressing has nothing to do with their femininity or sexual relationship between the two of you. They
need the assurance that you still love them and want them. They need to hear these answers and they need to hear them from you.
You need to tell her. When you tell her, you should have it planned for and be prepared. Just don't make an announcement to the entire family over
Thanksgiving dinner - "By the way, everyone, I am a crossdresser. Please pass the carrots." This is a discussion that will affect your personal
relationship with her, so avoid the dramatics and keep the rest of the family out of it for now. Tell her when you can be alone for a while and
she will have time to absorb things. A good time is the start of a weekend when you know that you can be together and not have to compete with
the demands of work. Later on, after the two of you have discussed things, you can decide together who else to tell.
Make sure to do your homework beforehand. Be prepared to answer her questions and answer them honestly. Try to anticipate what her questions will be
and think about how you want to answer each. Most people respect honesty and our spouses are entitled to it. Try to have some resources available for
her to do her own research. Those resources could be books, websites, the phone number of a support group or the contact info of the spouse of
another crossdresser. Make sure that you have educated yourself enough on gender issues to do a decent job at explaining the basics to her.
Some crossdressers will spend some time leading up to this discussion by providing some education for their spouse. They may watch with
their spouse a transgender-related movie such as "TransAmerica" or some of the many documentaries presented on television. This gives the spouse some
exposure to some transgender issues so that when you do tell them about your crossdressing, they will have some background to relate to. Just be
careful about what to view together. Shows like Jerry Springer or Dr. Phil and movies such as "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" or "The Bird Cage"
will do little to help you dispel common misconceptions.
When you do reveal to her your crossdressing status, there are some "Dos and Don'ts."
Don't understate things by saying that it is a mere hobby because this implies crossdressing a relatively unimportant and she may later feel
deceived when it becomes obvious that it isn't. Don't apologize for being a crossdresser. You should no more apologize for being transgendered as
you would for being left handed. Don't say that, for her, you will give it up because you won't. And when she finds out that you didn't, there will
be just one more thing for her to be upset about.
In any emotional discussion, it is generally a good idea to mention not just the "bad" but also the "good." Remind her of how much you love each other,
and that by telling her this deeply personal secret you are demonstrating to her your how important she is to you.
Do stress that your crossdressing is not necessarily a negative thing and is actually an asset in some ways. Has being transgendered made you more
sensitive and empathetic? Are you more aware and appreciative of the subtle differences in communication between men and women? Have you become more
sensitive to sexism? Have you developed new interests or come to shre more interests with your spouse? How has being more in touch with your "inner
woman" made you a better person?
Assure her that you being a crossdresser does not mean that the marriage is over. Let her know that marriage is a partnership and your crossdressing
is just one more element that makes your partnership unique. As with so many other things in your partnership, you can work through this one together.
